사랑에 빠진다는것은 두려운 경험인것같아.
나를 사랑하는 사람이랑 사랑에 빠진다는것은 세상에서 가장 행복한 감정이 아닐까?
18년밖에 살지 않았지만, 사랑이 어떤 감정인건 알아…

계속 해줘도 해줘도 더 해주고 싶고,
봐도 봐도 더 보고만 싶고,
대화해도 해도 더 얘기하고 싶고…

사랑하는 사람 옆에서 매일 아침 일어나는 기분은 어떨까? 아무리 나쁜 일이 내 인생에서 일어난다고 해도, 정말 힘들지 않을것 같아…

벌써 400 일.
내 자신도 어떻게 똑같은 아련한 감정이 그대로 남아있는지 모르겠어.
어렸을때 사랑이라 생각했던 감정이 제일 오래 남았던게 1년 반정돈데…
이번것도 되게 오래가는 것 같어.

나는 왜 한번 빠지면 헤어나올수가 없는걸까?
왜 나는 항상 이용당하고, 필요할때만 연락하고, 외로울때만 눈에 띄이고, 그 아이가 행복할때만 나한테 더 잘해주고, 슬프면은 나를 안 찾고, 필요해도 나는 2번째로 오고…맨날 이렇게 취급당하는데 나는 왜 계속 버티는 걸까?

힘들다; 지치다; 아프다.
다시 행복했으면 좋겠다.
이용 당해도 좋아, 내가 그 아이의 첫번째만 될수 있다면은…
다시 그 아이의 눈을 보면은 가슴 아픈 감정 말고, 사랑하는 감정을 다시 갖고싶어.

한번도 제대로 말 못했지만,
그 아이만큼 다른사람은 사랑 못 할것 같아.
보고싶다, 보고싶다, 보고싶다…

Talking about my college, my mother and I talked about the issue again. Of course, she started tearing up, starting to be weak again. This time I didn’t let her. Instead, I lectured her on how to live a life to its fullest.

My mom is a firm believer that being healthy is about living longer.
So I ask her, “do you think old people that are in their 90’s are “healthy”?” She didn’t answer.
So I ask her, “do you think your mother-in-law (who is in her late 80’s) is happy, blaming herself everyday for abandoning your husband when he was young?” She didn’t answer.
so I ask her, “do you think vegetables are living their lives to their fullest?” She couldn’t answer this time.

I said, “they have one thing in common: they’re alive. Sure, they’re breathing. Sure, they’re living longer than the most population. Are they living, though? Are they happy? No. Mom, it doesn’t matter if this will shorten her life. It doesn’t matter if this will ruin her image and life. She wants to live, not to be alive, breathing for no reason. Let her be. Didn’t you have your own dream as a teenager, as well? Live that dream. Don’t worry about us. We’re capable of being on our own. Recently, you’ve only been breathing, not living. Is this what you wanted as a child? Look at yourself. I wanted to leave this, too. I wanted to let go of myself, too. Looking back, I find it really selfish because of the left. If you are gone at any point of my life, I will be lost and follow you. That isn’t even a question. Think about me, too….”

And the conversation went on.
We cried; we hugged; we promised.
I asked her to do just one thing: to open her mind a little bit wider for her mind is completely closed and locked up.

Tonight was just one of those few nights one could have in his life. My emotions just exploded again, and I want to convince myself that what I’m feeling now is what I will be feeling for a long time…I needed this more than anything and anyone.